Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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