I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
