my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
