Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
