I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize