Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
