I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize