It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
