The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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