can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
