I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
whose ass print is on the piano?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
