my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
