She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
