so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
