im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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