There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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