I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
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