i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Houston, we have a squirter
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize