I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
