Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
