Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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