Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Girls should come with a carfax report
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
