i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
