i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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