I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
