we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
