just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
