I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
