She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
