Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
did you just send me my own nude
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