Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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