If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
