I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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