have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
