alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
did you just send me my own nude
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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