dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
