I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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