i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize
