don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I am naked and annoyed.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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