he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
