I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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