you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
