Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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