Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
