i was rollin on her like bob the builder
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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