I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
