Don't make out with my wife yet
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
