I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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