So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
