I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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