hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
