My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
