Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
