My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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