So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
