my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
that's an acceptable place to lick
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
