He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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