i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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