explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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