dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
He felt like a one man threesome
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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