Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
